My liver just broke up with me...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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