I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
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He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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