meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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