apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My vagina is very pro this idea
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
