I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
