now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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