I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
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From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
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Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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