Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
