my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
