life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
