Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
