I cannot find my penis.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
