Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
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