Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
as a side note pls kill me
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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