Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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