the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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