I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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