New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
