the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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