Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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