it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
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I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
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I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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