Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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