Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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