you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
