my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I need water and some morals
Randomize
