my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize