god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
