Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
