either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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