I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
