She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
my being single is dangerous.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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