I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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