not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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