I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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