Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
