please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
