Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This baby is an asshole
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
