The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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