I think I won the penis lottery.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
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we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
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I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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