i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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