So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
