When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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