he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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