I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
