we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I want to be your penis for a week.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize