I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
