i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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