someone threw a dead crab at me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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