You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
