8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
