every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
