i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Damn victory sex feels great
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
