everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this boner is exhausting
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
How naked do you want me to be?
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