I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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