I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
