I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
