I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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