Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
