Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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